The Hollowness in Holidays!

Here we are on New Year's Eve or should I say, here I am. Feeling like I am too grown and old to do the typical things I once longed to do when I was younger and broke. In case you are wondering, that was to go to New York on New Year's Eve of course, stuffed in my big ass coat to bare the cold, screaming at the clock as time tic tocs away, and watching Mariah Carey prance on stage all day. .As I get irrationally excited to see time pass and kiss a random person that happened to be conveniently next to me. You know like we've seen on TV many times. When I've dreamt of this exciting time, I picture it in Times Square of course, with some boyfriend. Now I am 33, married with children, businesses and all. Here we are, snap back to reality, mask and all! I am able to do these things, but don't want to anymore and ha maybe that will change in the future. So don't get mad if you see a selfie of me in the future in Times Square. Just know it is because I genuinely wanted to be there.

I just feel like when you get to a certain point past the veil, the hype is gone about celebrating getting older. More and more do we find ourselves getting caught up in the very mundane things. However, I felt like this past year I am reminded to rebirth new purposes to celebrate the essence of life itself. These annual rituals we call holidays are here to remind us to celebrate the various essences of life, or they can trap us into avoiding it just the same. We can get to a point where we lose ourselves to idolizations, perfecting ideas, praising idols, gods, as well as establishing and accomplishing our goals so much so that we imprison ourselves in different ways. Some may feel complex about being around or in touch with certain family members, but are pressured to do so because it's the reason for the season right? So we feel pressured to put our differences aside and appear to unify. Others are too afraid to turn down their Christian family rituals due to fear of being castrated, ostracized, or bastardized. Others may know they're enabling their bad ass children's behaviors deep down, but also know they are not ready to muster the courage to change their own ways, or face themselves so they would rather enable and coddle them instead of calling them out. They would rather have company than to feel the holiness inside when they are lonely. Many take the time to drink and party through these times to better masquerade their pains, disappointment and fears. Its the Good Old Times for many. It's what is normal and socially acceptable so, hey, who's going to take me out of this orbit? Welp, the pandemic helped many get out this miserable cycle that they were too afraid to face. Now, many are super eager to use this time to avoid so called family and friends. I am not here to talk about wrong or right or to pretend like I am so high up on a cloud looking down and spectating and casting judgment. Although you may feel attacked or triggered by my selected choice of words to express. Hell, I am capable and have done this myself, just not now. Know its okay to feel sometype of way. Heck you're now aware of feeling, that's a good start.

Hell, then you always have that family member who will literally call it out, and we hope it ain't us that time of the year? The avoidance of the true essences of life was the very reason I stopped celebrating mainstream holidays, and I was raised to celebrate them. My birthday literally is on a holiday. 12.25 to be exact - shoutout to capricorns! Back to the writing... As I grew out of childhood and dated around, I had a unique opportunity to be around many families during these times because of the lack of my own. I got to experience and learn a lot from different walks of life and am grateful for it all. However, I notice a repeated pattern when hanging around those who get caught up in traditions and holidays. It is this zombie mode people tend to get in. It is literally like a spell has been casted and it was strange. I felt like they were superficial and it was a bandaid from the absence of presence in everyday living. People barely supported each other, let alone speak and spent time with each other and now they are forced to be in the same room to feel good, I guess in that moment because its the reason for the season?

We try to make it up during these times to avoid the acknowledgment of the lack of presence we bring forth in our day to day. We avoid the hollowness in Holidays, so I personally take this time to observe myself deeper and reflect. Which is much needed seasonally at least for me, that is.

This is a time I find new levels of awareness within myself. I get the intangible the gift of enlightenment, of self discovery and better understanding of others and a more expanded perceptive and awareness. Refining the reason for the season each time these crossroad points - equinox and solstice cycles - meet which ironically are in alignment to the mainstream holiday times. Many don't go through this phase, and if they did they may have forgotten. Many are way too busy and worried about decorating the tree, wearing a mask, plastering a smile on their face and taking a selfie to appease their family, frienemies and peers. So many of us (myself included) have gotten so caught up in looking good, interesting, exciting, desirable and fun that they forget to actual be. We forgot that we are. We tend to trap ourselves in this construct called time with these hollow daze. Leaving us zombified and dazed out. Or should I say checked out of our own lives and feel asleep behind the wheel of time or life. For time is truly of the essence, they say. So it seems like we surely lost our way.

Maybe thats why when we arise from sleep its called "wake" and "morning". So many say sleep is the cousin of death - okay maybe it was Nas. I know we meant well, but fell asleep at life, under our own hypnotizing spells, idealization and romanticization of the holidays and how it should look, act and be.... what a woman is, what a man is, what a family should look like, how a married couple should act, what a christian is, what an adult is, what it means to be black, what it means to be feminine and nurturing, what it means to be a hero or heroin, what it means to be liberal or democratic. What it means to be a good Mother, Doctor, or Lawyer. What it means to be a good son or daughter, preacher, or successful. For many of us this is the reality that we want to escape, so holidays are a time or gateway to give a reason for the season to change their normal ways.

Now we are in a new normal and life is different even for those who deem themselves to be woke, like I once thought of myself.

I know life is simple yet complex - its a contradiction. We exist yet we are scared to exist so we hide from ourselves. We enjoy all of our insane ways until we don't enjoy them anymore. Then we villanize, ostracized and crucify anyone or anything that exhibits behavior that we are not settled with, within of ourselves. Thus bring birth to Baby Cancel Culture! New Year New Me, Cutting People Off or Out of their lives. Now we say Ah Ha! I have a new image and goal to rehypnotize and remesmorize....Yet again stuck in a loop. We tend to find ourselves writing or typing all things we want to achieve, people or companies we are going to cancel and reflecting on external progress we made or did not make. As a triple Capricorn I know all too well about this time of year especially because I get high off of planning, letting go and goal setting. For I have already done all that was listed way back before the solstice for 2021 and will continue to be honest. However, I want to emphasize or let this be a vital reminder to set intentions and to stay centered or come back to self.

Find and rediscover your center place, a place of infinite possibility, a place of harmony and peace, a place where logic and feeling meet. A place of oneness and wholeness. A place of understanding, love, and all the children's virtues we use to hear. I know this is a journey in the sea of life. Just remember not to drift too far away from the true essence of life.

Happy Holidays!